a space odyssey

sometimes i feel like the whole point of my existence is to find something that is broken, try and fix it and when it's fixed, i expect it to get up and leave me. even though i know i'm not being abandoned, it sometimes feels like that.

when i say this, i'm not saying that i find people who are completely broken, it's more like they need a little company to get through life at that moment. and then there's a sudden disconnect.

and that saddens me because i am exactly like my mother. and i don't want to end up like her. she's sad, miserable, and angry that everyone leaves her and doesn't come back. she doesn't have many friends, but many people do respect her because she's so street smart and that she's done a lot of things and is a great problem solver. but some part of her is missing, and it doesn't allow her to understand why she drives people away.

i kind of feel the same way. i think there is a part of my brain that doesn't get the whole picture. but at the same time, i do feel like i do get the whole concept, but i know that part of it is missing and i can't turn the corner to see what it is... it'll always be around that corner. and i strain my neck and i still can't see it.

i'm not saying that anyone is asking for my company or help. i just feel like they need me, or rather, someone, to be there. i by no means, feel like i'm being a greater person for doing what i do. i am not asking for anything in return. i am just being myself. and i feel the disconnect that i sometimes wonder if my mother feels too.

i also want to make my mother happy, but i don't think that i could ever because she knows that i've already abandoned her, even though i see her more often now then i have for most of my twenties. it's sort of a silent abandonment. it isn't invisible. we both see it and feel it.

lately, i've been feeling the abandonment, but i know that it isn't anyone's fault. it just suddenly happens. and that sudden-ness is what worries me.

i'm a little sad today.

i just need to keep on truckin' and i'll be alright.